On autopilot.

Just the other day I was sitting under some sunshine (rare in these parts) journaling my thoughts, intently reading my bible study, and just having a moment of “me” time. But there was this underlying feeling that’s been lingering for a few weeks now. One that speaks excitement, anxiety, and disappointment all in the same breath. One that I couldn’t pin down a word for even though I tossed many around in my head. Then it hit me, the word was autopilot. I’ve been sitting pretty in the front seat with nothing that I can physically do to steer the course of these next few weeks.

S and I are on round two of our IVF journey. Although I’m still praying and believing for a little one to hold in my arms and welcome into our family, it’s exhausting. We’re exhausted. It feels like something we’ve dreamt up in our hearts for so long and the journey feels as slow as a microwave minute. I also can’t shake the feeling that I can do all of this medication regimen and put my body under another season of stress just to have that stick read negative again. I’m faithful, but I feel it’s more like the kind of faith where I’m silenced and know that the Lord is petitioning on my behalf, because I simply don’t have the words to say or the energy to muster them up. Life is good. Really good, but those dreams of beginning a family are greater still.

I’ve always said on this space that authenticity is at the very heart of what we write. I’ll never post about anything that I don’t first believe in and I won’t pretend to have it all together 100% of the time, we’ll always be genuine. So since so many of you emailed, texted, commented and encouraged us last time around I thought it only seemed honest to give you a little update of where we are up to now.

I truly believe that years from now we will look back on this journey with a full heart of gratitude for the things we learned from this season and how sweeter it made the outcome, but until then I’ll remain on autopilot with anticipation to see how this next cycle lands and we will continue to bring each of you on this journey with us. Your words speak to our hearts and, though we can’t always reply to each and every one, just know that they landed at the right moment in time and brought us a great deal of encouragement.

Read the links below to follow our journey…

Green light day | Decision of PGD | The process | When things don’t go as planned